January 3, 2006
My name is Rachel Payne, and I am relatively new to the world of hearing loss. After 31 years of perfect health and hearing, I woke up one morning in February 2005 with severe vertigo, nausea, and vomiting. I could barely walk because of my loss of balance. When my symptoms had not subsided by the following morning, I went to the doctor; this was something I rarely did. The doctor concluded that I had an inner ear infection and sent me home with some antibiotics. My symptoms got worse over the next few weeks; after two days with these symptoms my hearing became distorted in my right ear and the next day I could hear nothing from it. After about a week, the nausea and vomiting came back (the vertigo had never subsided), and I went through the same process with my left ear. I had been to the doctor four times over the past week and a half, and every time I got the same story, "Inner ear infection."
Finally, when my hearing was completely gone in both ears, I was referred to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. I was expecting that the worse case scenario would be that I would have a huge needle stuck in my ear to drain fluid. I was completely unprepared for the doctor's bafflement and suggestion that this may be permanent. I had a new baby at home and a four year old daughter to take care of. I was a high school math teacher and planning on beginning a master's program in guidance counseling. I had a life that required hearing!
That night, my husband started doing research on the internet. The only thing we had to go by was a check mark beside SSHL on the physician's diagnosis sheet. First we had to figure out what this meant; Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss. The research looked frightening. It didn't look like I would be getting my hearing back. Then my husband found something called cochlear implants. An implant? And who - Rush Limbaugh had one? Wow, ok, well if this was really permanent, at least there might be some hope with this implant thing.
More than anything I was terrified. Over the next few weeks I made several trips to UNC-Chapel Hill's otolaryngology department and had two M.R.I.'s, tons of blood work, and visits to different specialists. There were so many suggestions as to the cause: lupus, Cogan's, MS, tumors, and 20 to 30 other things. I was so afraid of what these tests might find, but I kept going over and over in my mind that we HAD to figure out what was happening. I needed a diagnosis. It's funny, but at the time I would have been glad to hear, "Oh, you have Cogan's," or, "Yes, we've decided it's lupus." I needed a label to find out if whatever was going on in my body was finished or had just begun. The only thing we ever figured out, was that my cochlea were inflamed and were pretty much destroyed because of what ever disease process was going on.
When the tests gave no results and the high doses of steroids yielded no improvement, my doctor/surgeon suggested going on with cochlear implant surgery. I was nervous, but very excited. My Freedom C.I. activation date was the day after my daughter's fourth birthday, so we took her with us. When the processor was turned on, everyone kept saying, "Anna, say something to your mommy!" Everyone wanted us to be able to interact again. Anna was my life, and for the past few months, we had become strangers. She would try talking to me only to get at the most a blank, helpless look. Sometimes I wouldn't even know she was trying to talk to me, and she would find me ignoring her completely. Not only was she going through dethronement with her now six month old brother, but her mommy wouldn't respond to her. When we finally got to the car to go home, Anna opened up. She must have said, "Mommy," about fifty times before we hit the first red light. She would say things like, "Look at that car," or, "I love you," or, "Look at that man," just to see if I would respond correctly. When I did (and I did EVERY time!) she was absolutely thrilled. I cried so many times on that six hour trip home - my little Anna was happy again.
When I got home and held my six month old Ben to give him a bottle that night, I cried again at all the beautiful sounds. I could hear him gulping and snorting and cooing. Ever so often I would hear, "Mmmm..." through the snorts and gulps. Nothing on this earth could have been better. I finally knew for sure that I would be able to hear my son's first words.
With my new-found hearing, I still had some obstacles to over come. My balance was very bad, and I had to undergo vestibular therapy. After about six weeks of this, and three months since my onset of hearing loss, I was finally able to drive again. It was the beginning of the summer, and my husband (who is also a teacher), was out of school. I took this time to get used to hearing with my implant. It was difficult, different, and frustrating at times. I was terrified about my possibilities for returning to work. But by the time August rolled around, I was at least ready to give it a try.
Just like anything new, it was difficult at first. But I really believe it has been the best rehabilitation for my hearing. I am able to tune out background noises much better (with teenagers, background noise is a given!), and hearing in crowds is becoming more do-able. My students know I am often going to ask them to repeat themselves. I also use my hearing loss to my advantage by having a little fun with it; when my students ask for a free day or if they have homework, I say, "What was that? I'm sorry, I just can't hear you..." They get a kick out of me, and I'll hear them say to each other, "I know she hears me...." or, "I wonder if she can hear me," or, "Oh, no, I think she heard me!" I ALWAYS have the upper hand!
As for the future, I can finally say - I can do ANYTHING I want. My deafness does not define me, nor does it affect what direction I decide to take with my life. I've decided to work on my master's degree in instructional technology instead of guidance counseling, but not because I am deaf - but because it is what I WANT to do. And hey, if the kids are screaming too loud, or the neighbor's music is blaring, or I have a headache - I can turn off the sound. Tell me, how many people have that luxury? If I'm in a noisy room and the telephone rings, I can use my telecoil that shuts out all that other noise. The first time I used it I said to my husband, "This is great! They should sell these at Wal-Mart! My life is going pretty well, and I have a bright future ahead of me.