Part VIII - Mixed Blessings

    In times like this, I think it is really important to make sure something positive comes out of the experience.  When you have no control over the situation, when you are feeling helpless and at your weakest, you need to remember that this is YOUR life, and it's going to be what you make of it.  I don't like being deaf.  It's frustrating and at times I am really bitter.  But, this is my life.  I have to look for the good in it and take control back.

    One of the best things to come of all of this, is that I got to stay home with my new son, Ben, longer than I ever would have been able to otherwise.  He was four months old when this began.  I had only got to stay home until he was about two and a half months old, and I missed him so desperately during the day.  I had a wonderful baby sitter, but it wasn't the same as having him with me.  When I found out that I was probably permanently deaf, I decided to keep him home with me during the day while my husband, Keith, was at work.  Ben was the biggest comfort to me; he gave me someone to take care of and made me feel needed and adequate as a mother.  I don't know how I would have survived those two months at home alone and deaf without him.  I can't even put into words how much I love him - no because he made me feel adequate at the most inadequate time in my life, but because he is my son.  For me, I don't see how you can ever know just how deep love can actually cut you until you have a child.  I had no idea.

    Another good thing to come of all this "mess" was my subtle reminder of just how good people actually are.  When I first learned of my hearing loss, love was poured on me from every direction and in so many forms.  Family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers did whatever they could to help in some way.  Many different people brought dinners to our home, more people than I can even begin to thank gave money (I had no idea how many trips to Chapel Hill I was in for or how much things were going to add up monetarily).  Teachers and other school employees donated annual leave days to both me and my husband - it was enough to finish out the school year so I never missed a paycheck.  I have honestly never felt to cared for.  I kept telling my husband, "I've REALLY got to start doing something to deserve this!"  And I hate to admit it, I really do, but I needed the reminder.  There have been a few times in my life when I have been shown just how caring people truly are.  I think the first time was when my youngest sister died.  The outpouring of love from the communities was overwhelming.  I learned so much about humanity during that time.  I just felt so much sorrow and regret when I realized that I needed this reminder.  When I realized that I had forgotten how good people are.  That's not something any of us need to take for granted. 

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